an inability to remember

I found this typed up in a draft blogpost. probably its from summer 2015 some time. I'm not sure. I didn't want to delete it, though it surely deserves to be deleted. I didn't want to let it just sit there either. so I have elided some of the most desperate keyboard-mashing blubbering and am posting it here, in this dramatic corner of my public writinglife.

ughgh headache.

why can i not focus? it's hot. i'm sleepy. my kitchen...

pie crust and half-finished everything.

zucchini that are dying. 

hate hate hate hate hate

sick sick sick sick sick sighing sighing ay headache ache ache ache ache ache sick sick no no why wait wait so helpless 

wonder think think puzzle stretch reach puzzle cold cold tired? hungry as always and wondering wondering wondering. hurt wondering pain why expectations hope hope want want want want want want want want reciprocation
never, never, not enough not enough not enough it just isn't nothing will be nothing but need deeper endless exaggerating i know stop life is
fine
sigh
no
never
longing longing jealous
angry....
jealous jealous angry hiding biting back waiting hoping laughing. fake. laughing. no real me. no.

so what do i really need? what can i really do? i can study for these exams and i can ignore whoever i want to ignore and i can fix up my apartment and i can get rid of things and i can cook and bake and make messes and eat.
eat all the cheese and cream and tea and scones and cake and brownies and butter and soup and pie and anything you want. you.
hold yourself. hold. do. be.
calm. not not yet not yet not close enough
distract yourself with art and food
but not too much.
exams exams exams.
research and research
oh yeah and pizza dough.

how will there be time? how how?

all sorts of things i'm craving for themselves but also for the associations. japanese hibachi and homemade gnocchi and yes but ugh
ugh
memories. maybe call him anyway?
uggghg.