happy first

not.

torn.

while i really want to pretend i'm okay and put all my endless 'life is pointless'es in a box somewhere... i don't know if i should. maybe. it would be easier. but it feels like what it is...

pretending. fake. but then what can you do about it? just be there, i guess, since no one else is and if anyone else were, it would be easier to pretend and bottle and pretend and stop and pretend. this is ridiculous. the notebooks help. the scribbles. the questions.
i'm lost. i'm losing. i'm nothing i'm...

i'm...?

them: You shouldn't look for a husband you should look for something that makes you happy first. if you do it the other way around you'll regret it later on.

me: heh
true
i shall not let the fact that my younger siblings seem more prepared for marriage than i do push me into anything

them: I can't speak to the rest of your family, but you have too much talent to settle into a housewife role. Experience and create!!!

when was this?

I can tell whatever story I like here. beholden to no one.
but still lost.